Burn x

The only thing left to burn is pain as fuel for my journey,
Case closed...
No need for a fuckin attorney..
You dont witness any lies,
The truth cant rott within you.. its in your eyes.
I can't take back what isn't rightfully mine
I cant cry over you not promising it's going to be fine,
But i made him a part of my life and that cant be erased by time
& with every smile you put on my face.. i wont forget
I'll never regret,
I dont want you to walk away,
I beg for your stay,
I dont mind pleading.. day after day..
You left a heartache no one can heal...
You left a memory, no one can steal.

<3

What was i thinking beleiving you and letting you in,
I was through with relationships, this shit was meant to end
Then you walked in and it all seemed right..
You gave me love,
..Sleepless nights.
This week... somethings changed,
it's all re-arranged..
things just aint the same,
Im not that girl you loved so much,
the girl you waited to hear her voice,
...needed her touch,
I listened to you ! I LET YOU IN...
I GAVE YOU MY HEART...
YOU THREW IT IN THE BIN
You told me you wanted me...
I waited for that kiss...
that never came along, and missed my lips..
If cant commit to me then just walk away...
Cuz i fucking trusted you, i wanted you to stay
And now, somethings messed up...
something aint right...
i just cant make it,
Our relationship, i just dont know how to save it :'(

A7ebak mooottt <3

I cant think,
I cant write...
Its the thought of you that keeps me up all night.
2 weeks since i've seen your face,
10 hours since i've heard your voice...
October 26th ... My heart made a choice.
To either be with you & stand,
Or fall and let go of your hand
Without you im incomplete & its impossible to make it through.
I just cant stop thinking about you.
The thought of losing you brings me to tears,
It burns my heart, its my BIGGEST fear.
Of waking up and your just not there,
I breathe you, you are my air.
Im breaking, i feel it.
Your voice... I hear it.
Your touch, i need it.
Without you, im weak and kneeling.
And for you, my heart keeps bleeding
& if you leave, you will take the 'L' out of Lover..
and then it will be over.
I cry, it turns to night..
I die, i see the light..
My soul dies knowing your gone..
Just like the beat of my heart..
Music.. with no sound.

Ali <3

I don't wanna miss a thing.

Babey...
Do you know how important you are to me? How badly i need you.
And all this time, that i waited for you...
I dreamed of a day that i would make it through,
Just to be with you.
My whispers, once so silent.. were not, You could feel the hard throbbing of my heart,
Thats when your relationship ended, and 'WE' came to a start.
The way you cared and protected me,
The ice would melt before it could freeze me...
Even if i was put out to solidify.. That cold would not reach me.
Your warmth would melt it away..
..How badly i scream for your stay.
I feel like i could trust you with my life,
I'd give you my heart and let you just hold it.
I'd give you my soul, but i already sold it.
I LOVE YOU... Beyond words. And with every touch you reach out to me, you touch my soul.
You make me whole. ... .. You make me happy :)
I love you, so much... that the phrase " I love you" is an understatement
When i hear your voice, my heart races
I shut up and listen to every word you say, cuz i dont wanna miss a thing.
Your always the last person I talk to before i sleep, and the first to wish me " Good morning "
Who would have thought that in 4 years, i would wake up to the most beautiful days of my life
You bless my day..
You make everything OKay..
I wanna love you forever ...
You are my purpose, my soul mate , My love.. My everything..
And because of that, i dont wanna miss a thing.
Ali Babey, I love you :)

iLlusions.

My life, a blurred vision.
Where you see what you want,
& What you need leads to corruption
I put you first, you were my only,
I trusted you and waited faithfully.
And all that you will be is nothing of what i wanted you to be.
I wanted you,
needed you...
I waited for you.
But you never could see,
The damage you've done to me
You said what you had to say
I alleged it was a game,
which you said you didnt play..
I was more like your sister,
But i never felt that way.
Simply waiting for your msg's after midnight..
day after day.
This was all an illusion, none of it was true,
The way i cared & loved ... I did it for you.
I dont know how i feel...
But this isn't a lie..
This is real.

No, it's not okay.

Why dont you see,
Atleast try to be happy for me..
Why cant you understand ?
Some people were just never meant to walk hand in hand...

For once im not lost
I've lived my life & made mistakes,
I paid the cost.
Hoping they would erase.

This is love,
It's not lust..
What i have is beautiful
I dont lack trust.

Why don't you get that you two were never meant to be,
& Maybe its different with me.
'Cause i loved him aswell...
Except i held on to him loosely and set him free
& He came back for me.

'Cause i waited,
& Cried...
You asked if I was okay..
& I lied
I trapped my pain,
I let it consume me...
Tear me up from right to left..
Cuz i watched him abandom me.

Everything to lose,
Nothing to gain...
Cause its fucking up my head
& driving me insane.


Please dont... Dont HURT ME.

I can't -

I cant sell myself, i can't go that low
Don't reach out for me, 'cuz u cant buy my soul
I watched you run, now that really wasn't fair..
come to think of it, for a second i actually THOUGHT u cared ... daym.
They searched each room, checked behind doors...
They'd be thinkin i let u in
No one ever saw ur footprints on the floor.
You misguided ME, lied to ME, told me u loved me, then fell inlove with my bestfriend.
I broke, i couldn't say a word... 'i hate u' was uncomprehendable i struggled to hit 'SEND'
always tryna look for a reason to make u look good..
Thought u could reach out for ME ? you never could..
YEH, u never could.
There is this other story that should have been told... where ur lies crack like ice
there's a strong silence... it starts to get so fuckin cold.

Falling Again.

The way my heart skips a beat everytime you send me a message, is just wow.

It's Beauty. It's Grace.

How a little pettle danced in your palm.... you never crushed it, you let me float around the surface, yet never intended on hurting me. What are the odds?

Watching those words flow from your lips.... My soul dances within me.

Your Perfect.

Back then, you loved me .. i was just too blind to see it& now after our embrace, i saw everything... a beautiful memory, and that touch.. was irreplacable.

I couldn't step away. I didn't want to let go.

We'd stay up till the crack of dawn, & baby im wide awake 'cause every message you sent me carried a smil. I loved you. I still Love you.

But... She's in the way, and the closer i get to you.. I break, even harder.

Knowing she's the first thought in your mind hurts, baby its fact.

Back then, when you told me you loved me... i was afraid of saying 'yes' . Afraid of losing you.

Afraid of LOVE itself.

You never hurt me, atleast not intentionally.

Insomnia

The road should rise to meet you, but i always watched you fall and blame it on the alcohol.

You can slur your dream world but at this hour you always speak of the future tense, your not ready for plans. Your afraid.

Your favourite songs been skipped on the record needle, you forced yourself to listen as the next song played, it made you scream.. it ripped you inside and out, the words... the beautiful lyrics vanish into the mainstream.

Subconciousness, where virtual minds are torn apart at words that forgot their meaning.. a LONG time ago. Maybe you can carve a heart from your desk, it will be red ochre, it wont need paint or a disguise to cover the wounds that are immortal.

The image that reflects, leaves you in vain. Who are you ? What difference have you made ?

I put the mirror down & there i am, Feelingless.

I miss you

It’s been 2 years now, I’ve watched myself break… & every thought led me straight to you..
The way we laughed, stayed up all night … the way you made me smile
I’d laugh out loud all night..
I’d even get my ass kicked for that… but the best part was I didn’t give a shit..every second with u was worth it,
I sit and talk to u for hours, we’d stay up texting all night…. Those long silences over the fone.. id just listen to you breathe… you meant everything to me
You were my first… and I never loved anyone the same.. my heart wont open again..
No, your not perfect, we didn’t do anything special together, but what we had was extraordinary…
And what made us so strong, was the gift of me being able to see u perfectly within my eyes
You were my everything,
I dream about you almost every night .. I want you..
I’ve fallen so many times without your support … remember in English class .. when u saved me minutes before I hit the ground.. Yes, I DID believe I was going to die
I wanna travel with you, I wanna go down those icy slopes with you…. I want u to take me on a never-ending adventure…
I wanna bungee jump with you…
I remember texting u when im in the shower… I couldn’t get my mind of you ..
Even when I knew things weren’t gonna be the same… I never lost faith in you..
Cuz I knew, If I couldn’t be with u in reality… id rather live my whole life a dream…
Either way im happy with you, because you’re the only one who made me smile from the bottom of my heart … giggling 24/7 … SQUEAKING… I’d never felt so alive….

I'd do anything just to have you back!

How could you be so heartless ?

The second i realised i was making a mistake, i turned around to stop you, but it was too late...

How can u walk away like that, how can u be okay with this ? Weren't you the one who said " I cant hurt you, my heart wont let me " Didn't YOU say i was the one, how can you move on like that ? How can you be okay with this ... I need you.. like a heart needs a beat..
But.. when a heart breaks, it dont break even
I got the pressure.. i felt the guilt, I felt the pain..
When im wide awake, you have no trouble sleeping.. Your best days, become my worst
Your waiting to find a girl to put you first..

You got my heart and her heart & none of the pain, you turned around and walked away while i took the blame
You moved on while im still greivin' cuz when a heart breaks it dont break even.

Just you && me

Dedicated : To the baby sister i lost ...
Constantly thinking about you.
Do you know..
That if only i got a glimpse of what you would look like, i wouldn't take my eyes off you
No one would take you away from me.. i would never leave you
I always wondered about how you'd walk and talk, your amazing baby smell... and soft touch, your beautiful smile, .. an angel with daddys eyes :)
I longed for a miracle.. a dream... and thats where you walked in, and when i lost you, it felt like everything was taken away from me.
I need you, you made me look past my pain.
I would never have to go through any of that shit ever again.
You would be the biggest change in my life, nothing else would matter
It's just you ..&& me.. and all other people
with nothing to prove and nothing to lose...
It's just you && me ... and all other people...
I don't know why, i cant keep my mind of ov you ..
Cuz nothing else matters, when you fill the hallow thats inside...
When your wounds start to heal ... and ur flaws start to hide

Isolated && Empty

This is not who i am, who have i become ?
I can't go to bed at night with an empty mind, with no doubts or fears.
Everyones cornering me in
I've put myself in the middle of bricked walls... i TRUSTED you..
&& I Simply can't break through, and the harder i try to push them down & force these barriers to break, i end up hurting myself .. repeating the same mistake.
I feel isolated and empty.
My conscience fights with me day and night.. i can't put up with the fight.
I keep trying & trying but i wont succeed, it's like cutting open the wound to watch it bleed.
When was the last time you listened? When did i learn to lose my inner voice, the one i used to hear before my life made a choice
The one thing i had, the person who guided me and gave me hope, was taken away from me & now im left with nothing. What am i left to fight for ? IT'S OVER.

The memories ease the pain inside...
Now i know why.

I'd Loved you, For Whoever You Would Have Been

Dedicated : to the baby sister i'd lost..
Please accept my apologies, wonder what u would have been..
Perhaps a little angel ? Or angel of sin..
Little girls heart filled with innocense, She's got nothing to hide...
With beautiful brown eyes ..
I lost you before u were 2 months..
No-one knew till ur remains started to flood
You never had the chance to even open your eyes, sometimes i wonder ..as a fetus if u faught for your life
I dreamed about u everyday,
Scared that i'd lose another again
Constantly blaming myself for putting my mum in pain
Knowing you existed felt like a dream
Just know, i'd love you for whoever you would have been
I have no reason to be angry with god..
You life being taken away meant that you wouldn't have to go through good OR bad,
You wouldn't have even had the chance to meet dad.

Deeper

Cutting open the wound.

Now's the time to watch it bleed

Nows the time you pray to god you succeed

But there's no running away, no, not today.

The way you spoke with words that cut like knives

Destroying my faith, taking away my life..

No-one knows that i sometimes cry,

If i could pretend to sleep, just live a lie

When my tears start to fall,

i look out from behind these broken walls..

No one likes to loose their inner voice,

the one i used to hear before my life made a fucked up choice

Nobody knows the rhythm of my heart

The way i feel, when im lying in the dark..

There's a voice inside my head saying 'It's Alright'

But fuck that shit... It's all just a beautiful lie.

I love you enough to let u go

Days and weeks of total ignorance... nobody's talking, because talking just turns into screaming

Since when did we become such rivals ? Such enemies ?

When did we learn to hate...   with time comes a great deal of patience, understanding.. & love.

But me and you are falling flat on our faces. We seem to be walking in reverse, these voices in my head are CONSTANTLY screaming, and its boiling in my blood running through my veins.

I.. I don't understand.

But there's a change now, this time i wont cry. 

I've moved on, stepped out of the frame... destroyed that picture. It doesn't exist. There's a twist..to this fairytale. Im not your princess anymore.  But i still care, i know i'm not strong enough to let go completely.

Looking at you makes it harder, but i know you'll find another 

Started with the perfect kiss...then we could feel the poison setting in..

Perfect couldn't even keep this relationship going.

You know that i love you so, i love you enough to let you go.

You got me flying solo <3

Let down your guard baby, show me your real colours.

Together we can fill life into a rainbow..

That shines in through rain, fighting through its way with every pain.

We've both got the symptoms of a broken heart, but did i ever raise my voice...?

Forget my physical pain .. simply rejoice, 

because at the moment its my emotional pain that burns its way through my hearts flames, you light me up like flaming alcohol, i feel the adrenaline running through my veins.

Simply driving me insane.

This heart of mine is going hollow... u got me flyin' solo.

Put your trust me, i'll always be more than you expect from me...

since the day i walked away... theres nothing you can see...

you've just been blindfolded, simply.

How many times are you gonna watch my heart break, each and everytime i allege its a mistake...

But there's nothing i'll ever gain, it's all left for you to take.

Cuz when you left, you left me flyin' solo.        

Obsessed with the thought of you.

Obsessed with the thought of you, the pain just grew and grew.

I don't know how to avoid you, i was right.. i did eventually bump into you today.. funny thing is, i thought i was gonna be OK with it, but i was WRONG!

I wish i could have quit you, i wish i never missed you, or told u that i loved u, everytime i kissed you.

It's like you don't know me anymore, and ever glance reminds me of a painful memory.

Yeah, that night where you zoomed passed me and yelled "I love you" ..  I believed you, i Did :'(

&& That was a mistake, i wont be harsh and say YOU were too. 

Being there, at the same place as you, WITH my boyfriend.. ouch, that must of hurt yeah? It probably makes you burn to learn im with another man. 

No, it's not easy to forget you, yea its hard to neglect you, especially after all the SHIT we pulled through. 

I guess im obliged to say, i want..uhh NEED* to forget youu.

The Coffee's Not Strong Enough

He grabbed me backwards and forced my body close to his, my heart was racing..

He could hear my heart beat. I felt like i was gonna melt in his arms...

He slowly put his arm around my waist.. && leaned towards me and kissed me.. the way he put his hand underneath my shirt and touched me, i was a doll in his arms. He slowly caressed me.. i felt his cold hands run up and down.. with every touch i felt safe..

The way he wrapped his arms around me & handled me with grace, i was the picture.. he was the frame. Distance would kill.. his smell would linger on my clothes.. and his touch.. i felt it every second i thought of him.

I felt light headed, these thoughts shot like speeding cars.

The papercuts, the cheating lovers. The coffee's NEVER strong enough.. some people consider it as bad luck.. But we got it all, i wont lose my head, i wont kill myself.

Cuz none of us are angels, && u know i love you yea ?

Sleeping pills, they cut me off completely, this numbness will consume you limb from limb.

Will get in your head and confuse you.

Make you...  The result of the shit you went through !

His beautiful lie.. 

I was fighting through every RHYME.

Typing up every LINE.

Glistening in the cold sweat, of guilt. I've watched you slowly winding down for two years now, you cant keep on like this..

Nows a bad time as any... The clocks have stopped, my heart beats dropped. && i lay here with him now.. it's not you anymore.. We takin' it back one step at a time..

Where you'll be the prince and ill be your princess.

There there baby... It's just text book stuff, its in the ABC of growing up..

Now now darling...YOU dont kill yourself... cuz none of us were angels... and you know i'll always love you, yeah ? ..

He wont show up..

Im writing this now, cuz i couldn't be arsed to do it last night. 

So i went skating yesterday, for the first time in a LONG time, daym.. i used to go there twice a week... and now.. NEVER.

I guess i know why i stopped, i was avoiding you. I had a feeling i was gonna bump into you, i kept turning back to look for you, you always were there. ALWAYS. 

Now here's the thing... i DIDN'T want to see you ... i HAD to.

I was so irritated.. so annoyed. You've blindly been pushed aside, i know you love me. I know u do, and im sorry i cant please you. The thought of you hurts, you're a painful memory.

I don't want to see you, I DONT. 

Ouch.

Yes, here i am, feeling like a complete douche-bag.

Bored as F U C K.

:) So so, i decided to make my own blogspot.. where i will.."HOPEFULLY" post my thoughts && my poems.

I have this thing for writing. I adore poetry.

Ciao.