Heartache

Who would have thought being alone could hurt so much ... could be so painful.

I try to fit in, i just cant. I cant step outside the house without being judged... BECAUSE im different.
Because the girl with me aint covered up,
'cuz she got her beautiful hair let loose.
'cuz she can laugh out loud.
'cuz she's got her friends who are JUST like her.

But i dont.
I always wanted a sister .. my mum always asked me to ask god for one. God are you listening to me ? I stood infront of the ka3ba 2 years ago and begged for one, there were many people asking you for your blessings, i dont know if you heard me.
... I cried my heart out.

I asked you to give me my grandmother back, i knew that wasn't gonna happen. But you have the power to make anything happen, even if it was for one night... giver her back to me, so i can lay my head down on her chest and tell her how i feel. Tell her how this world is suffocating me and that all i want is to be with her. When im with you granma .. i swear everything is okay.
I'm typing this with great pain, im crying, i cant do this anymore. Cuz when you left, the family fell apart. Baba is so silent, i want him to talk to me. I miss his voice.
Im the only one in the family who wore the hijab. Do i have to take it off so i can go out with my cousins ?
I go to school and there are groups, does our family need to have groups too ?
will these problems ever go away ?

Nobody knows. Nobody understands. I'm starting to take it all out on the person i love ... he doesn't understand. He doesn't know how i feel :') .. how i hurt EVERY night.
It's killing me. i just wanna shut the world out. my family is corrupt ... they make me wanna scream. And the only decent one in the family .. who converted to islam... is the one that i lost, he was a cancer patient .... he went through pain. I know. I was with him in the hospital. I'd go to him, even though i had the drippe connected to my veins, and the pain killer attached to me. i walked just to sit with him. Id make him "smile" he said. He told me i was a beautiful girl who brought life to the family. I miss you and i hope your happy now [ RIP ].

I don't know if this heart ache will ever stop. But until then all i can do is wipe my tears and push myself.

How amazing it feels to be able to explode rather than .. IMPLODE.

The person who said " Dont bother telling anyone about your problems. 80% of the world doesnt care, and the other 20% are glad you have them " made a mathematical error.

there is always that 1 % that cares... my love <3

You Lied.

You know that feeling you get when you just wanna shut the world out and stick your head phones in. Like " NA NA I DONT GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT WHAT YOU SAY ". Even if i tried on massive headphones i can still see your crappy mouth's mumbling.
Last night .. was crap. How could i possibly cry over hurting you, no i didn't shed two tears, i shed buckets .. which i could drown your whole empire of nazi's in AND THEN drown them again :D
but you don't deserve it ...

I. DIDN'T. DO. SHIT.

Now my bf warned me to stay away, but no .. im too fucking nice. " You want to make everyone happy " - He said.
No one knows how shit i feel, to deal with a throat infection, running in and out of the toilet every 4 hours ... no i don't want to grosse you out so i'll stop right there. & OH! the tissues i've consumed. The other night i tipped the waiter 25 AED just for finishing his tissue box.

I don't understand why people like to backstab their friends, what the FUCK do you gain? why do you LIE and twist words around. WHY DO INTENTIONALLY DESTRUCT PEACE?
DOES IT HURT YOU TO SEE OTHERS HAPPY ?
DOES IT ANNOY YOU THAT I AM SMILING AND YOUR NOT ?
DO YOU ACHE WHEN I GET WHAT I WANT ?
DOES IT KILL YOU THAT IM INLOVE WITH THE MOST PERFECT PERSON EVER ?


YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE ? YOU ARE MENTALLY SICK. YOU NEED A THERAPIST TO CLEAN YOU INSIDE OUT WITH THE STRONGEST DETERGENT IN THE STORE THEN LEAVE YOU TO HANG FROM THE HIGHEST POSSIBLE BUILDING TIL YOU ROTT DRY.

I hope one day karma punches you in the face you insensitive, waste of a human being on this planet.

Ugh.

It's been a while since i last published a post. So much has been happening, in so little time...

I'll start off by acknowledging the fact that im sick as hell. One of my body parts isn't functioning well .. my NOSE. It fails to allow me to breathe and destroys its status as a nose. My body isn't functioning well either .. everything hurts and this fever is just making it worse. My stomach is growling at me, as if im not feeding it.. it seem's to reject everything i eat ... the only thing in my system are pills. Double Advil, double panadol actifast, double bruffen .. and Cough syrup to top it all off.

School. Oh no, i dont even wanna remember what my last day of school was like... it was just too painful to even talk about. I've been accused of licking my friends bf's butt. Ouch yeah? And everyones mouth seem's to be running on the same topic. Dont people have lives to run? Whats so special about mine =S ... Go live your own life and quit screwing with mine bitches :D
All this time i've been taking in the blame, 'cause i know for a fact.. that if i DO defend myself, i'll end up losing someone. But right now... it doesnt really matter, cuz if that someone DID care, he wouldn't have put me in such an awkward position. I let him play around with my feelings. I let him take over me. Granma always told me 'give your heart to someone who can take care of it, not someone who is bound to play with it ' .. where are you granma ? Are you looking down on me ? ... if only you could reach your hand down and pull me to a place we could both be.

My love ... seem's to have forgiven me, when i fail to forgive myself. This is so hard, 'cause i didnt see ... that you were the love of my life and now it kills me. I see your face on, strangers on the street ... i still say your name when im talking in my sleep. And in the limelight i play it all fine... but i cant handle it when i turn off my night light .. I wake up shedding tears. It's the pain i put you through.. its my BIGGEST fear.
They say that true love hurts, but this could almost kill me ... young love murder, that is what this must be (:
I've chosen to leave and you let me go. You made it for hours without me, that means you can go on doing it everyday of your life and soon i'll mean nothing to you. I'll disappear from your memory. And those rare moments id pass by in your dreams, you'd wake up screaming you were sleeping with the enemy.

RIP ..

Screams, fights.... it's never alright
How he ignored you,
& you pushed him out of your life.

Your fucking cursed, you broke down the glass,
It broke so hard, it left no scar
Yet it cut you so deep, now you cant sleep.

The day his father died,
for a second it stole your breath away,
You couldnt do anything besides live a lie.
He never even had the chance to say goodbye

And everydays pain brings you more hatred
How you seem so lost,
and suddenly everything he owned seemed sacred.

The way you locked yourself up pretending it was nothing
while i cried and cried..
you simply hating. Remiscing.

You gotta let it go and stop blamin'
There's nothing you can do to stop the poison
You aint gonna let anyones coffin rest on your conscience.


To my Dear cousin..may your Dad's soul rest in peace :

Come back

Never felt so empty before,
Lookin' around for you ..
You dont see me smile anymore

Mama listened to me talk,
Every day of her life...
Since the day i could walk

"I dont hear your voice honey "
You dont get it, i want him back
Watch me burn money !

Watch me destroy something called 'Home'
Because without my love
I just ... i feel so alone.

Im going insane, someone help me drive away the pain
Im watching seasons change ,
Im taking in the pain.. over and over again

How am i supposed to move on and forget you?
When you were part of every single part of my life
Now tell me how the fuck am i gonna make it through?

With you, ill stand
Without you i fall..
Give me back my love..
'Cuz with him i had it all

[3mar ..<3]

Story of her Life

I put up with it for too long now
How i raise my head up,
No... it aint down.
And no, i wont cry...
until reality hits...and its just another lie

I dont want to love,
i dont wanna try,
Cuz i dont want to feel that emptiness
Until the day i die...

I feel this hole punched right through my chest
you werent meant to be like the rest..
You were meant to last,
Now she died an Outkast

Story of her life,
So blunt it hit me like a knife.
With every second that i put a smile on my face,
i gave myself a reason to laugh

Because the earth wasnt meant to stop spinning,
You should know by now Lifes a game,
You gotta try to keep winnin
Before they black out your name.

Right before my heart made a choice,
this was meant to be another try..
Heart is striving to hear your voice..
Despite those promises that are now a lie.