Heartache

Who would have thought being alone could hurt so much ... could be so painful.

I try to fit in, i just cant. I cant step outside the house without being judged... BECAUSE im different.
Because the girl with me aint covered up,
'cuz she got her beautiful hair let loose.
'cuz she can laugh out loud.
'cuz she's got her friends who are JUST like her.

But i dont.
I always wanted a sister .. my mum always asked me to ask god for one. God are you listening to me ? I stood infront of the ka3ba 2 years ago and begged for one, there were many people asking you for your blessings, i dont know if you heard me.
... I cried my heart out.

I asked you to give me my grandmother back, i knew that wasn't gonna happen. But you have the power to make anything happen, even if it was for one night... giver her back to me, so i can lay my head down on her chest and tell her how i feel. Tell her how this world is suffocating me and that all i want is to be with her. When im with you granma .. i swear everything is okay.
I'm typing this with great pain, im crying, i cant do this anymore. Cuz when you left, the family fell apart. Baba is so silent, i want him to talk to me. I miss his voice.
Im the only one in the family who wore the hijab. Do i have to take it off so i can go out with my cousins ?
I go to school and there are groups, does our family need to have groups too ?
will these problems ever go away ?

Nobody knows. Nobody understands. I'm starting to take it all out on the person i love ... he doesn't understand. He doesn't know how i feel :') .. how i hurt EVERY night.
It's killing me. i just wanna shut the world out. my family is corrupt ... they make me wanna scream. And the only decent one in the family .. who converted to islam... is the one that i lost, he was a cancer patient .... he went through pain. I know. I was with him in the hospital. I'd go to him, even though i had the drippe connected to my veins, and the pain killer attached to me. i walked just to sit with him. Id make him "smile" he said. He told me i was a beautiful girl who brought life to the family. I miss you and i hope your happy now [ RIP ].

I don't know if this heart ache will ever stop. But until then all i can do is wipe my tears and push myself.